Fresh Insight

Here are some warning signs that you may be experiencing low self-esteem: - Persistent self-criticism or a harsh inner dialogue - Discounting strengths - Feeling fundamentally flawed or "less than," even when functioning well - Experiencing a lingering sense of shame - Difficulty trusting your own perceptions, feelings or decisions - Chronic self-doubt or second-guessing - Anxiety around evaluation, feedback, or being seen - Feeling undeserving of rest, care, healthy relationships, or good things - People pleasing or over-accommodating - Fear of being "too much" - Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries

Low self-esteem isn't usually caused by a single event. Rather, it can develop through repeated experiences that teach someone that they are not fully safe, valued, or effective. Some factors that can cause someone to experience low self-esteem include: Early relational experiences: if you experienced emotional neglect, chronic criticism or shaming, a sense of over-responsibility in childhood, or conditional love from your caregivers, you may be more likely to have low self-esteem. Trauma and repeated invalidation: experiences of bullying, exclusion, humiliation, abuse, and/or chronic boundary violations can lead to difficulties holding yourself in positive regard. Cultural and systemic factors: if you were exposed to repeated marginalization, discrimination, stereotyping, gender expectations, or appearance-based values systems, you may believe that you can only like yourself if something was fundamentally different about you.

Our self-esteem is not fixed; it can grow and change throughout our lives. Every day, the way we treat ourselves, handle challenges, and respond to feedback either strengthens or weakens our relationship with ourselves. In other words, it's less likely a permanent trait and more like a muscle you develop with attention and practice.

Accomplishments don't automatically build self-esteem. In fact, sometimes they can mask low self-esteem. However, many high-achievers tie their sense of worth to performance, approval, or perfection, causing success to feel "necessary" but never enough. If you're a high-achiever, you may also struggle with imposter feelings ("someone's going to find out I'm a fraud"), perfectionism (setting unreachable standards to feel worthy), and fear of failure or judgment.

Therapy provides both a mirror and training ground for self-esteem. It helps by: - Identifying patterns that keep you self-critical or under-valued - Challenging unhelpful beliefs about your worth or abilities - Teaching practice skills like self-acceptance, boundary-setting, and assertiveness - Offering corrective relational experiences, where you are consistently seen, valued, and heard Over time, therapy can help your nervous system and mind internalize a sense of competence and worth, so self-esteem becomes more stable and self-sustaining—even outside the therapy room.